Warning Labels

I pulled a muscle in my foot and the Doctor put me on this popular medicine which will remain nameless because I don’t want the drug companies finding and killing me. They took it off the market a while ago because it causes heart attacks but then they put it back on because it doesn’t cause THAT many heart attacks. I guess they figure my foot won’t hurt anymore if the medicine does its job, and if I die of a heart attack, again my foot won’t hurt anymore. But when you read the warning labels on these medications you freak out. Mine actually says- May increase the chance of serious heart problems, such as heart attacks or strokes, which can lead to death. Serious skin reactions or stomach and intestine problems, such as bleeding and ulcers, can occur without warning and may cause death. That is the actual warning, not a joke! Why don’t they just say- ‘Don’t expect to live’. ‘Death is eminent’ ‘Are you still alive?’ or ‘If you are alive while reading this label you obviously haven’t taken this drug yet’. So it also says ‘may cause diarrhea, nausea, headaches, cramps, dizziness, and flu-like symptoms‘. I’ll just take the sore foot thanks. Man, what else are they gonna say, you may experience dry mouth, dry sinus, dry rot, dry hump….

Other medicine labels aren’t much better. I had diarrhea one time and my wife brought me home this medicine that said- May cause diarrhea….Hmm…I HAVE diarrhea and this says it may CAUSE diarrhea. Do they mean it may not work or are they saying I may end up with double the fun here?

Also it said- Rectal bleeding may occur. Now why would rectal bleeding occur? I checked the front of the label to make sure it didn’t say ‘now with even more shards of glass’. So my wife called later that day.. ring ring (that’s what phones used to sound like) “Hey John I thought I’d check on how you’re feeling”. I replied ‘Well I’m dizzy as hell, nauseous and my butt is bleeding pretty badly but hey, no more diarrhea!’