Foul Ball

Well baseball season is upon us once again and this year, as every year, I have submitted my proposed changes to the Major League Baseball rules committee. I truly believe that this year I have come up with some changes that will renew interest and spark record attendance in baseball. Possibly even lower the population a bit. My proposed changes are as follows.

Every time a player bunts, a bag O squirrels will be released onto the field. I know it sounds weird, but it would put the element of surprise back into bunting.

Players will follow the Mail Carrier credo so there will never be another weather delay. Come on players, you’re not tougher than a Mail Carrier? They even let chicks do that job now! Suck it up players!

If any outfielder chooses to play the inning while jumping on a pogo-stick, should he catch a fly ball whilst on said stick, the next inning will be removed from the opponents and pogo boys team will simply bat for 6 outs.

Clown shoes MUST be worn for the entire 3^rd Red nose optional.

If you hit a grand slam you now get 5 bases instead of the traditional 4. This clears the bases plus puts you on 1^st base after crossing home. You may take a rest period during your long run if you choose. Especially if it’s the 3^rd

If the pitcher chooses to throw the ball underhanded and it does not result in a base hit, this pitcher with then be allowed one shot of Anejo Tequila. (lime not included)

The 4^th inning will be renamed ‘grease inning’. All the bat handles will be dipped in grease making it nearly impossible to hold on to. And of course, the netting around the infield will be removed, allowing spectators to enjoy the mayhem unencumbered. Survivors will be given a tee shirt which says: “They Killed My XXXXX (insert your relationship to the person you came with today) and all I got was this stupid tee shirt”

Nicknames will be renamed Notchnames. There are REAL people out there named Nick people, it’s called being considerate. Apologies to any ‘Notches’ out there.

There will no longer be foul balls, so Mr First Baseman, I guess you better get up into the stands and get that ball before everyone scores!

Before the game, each team gets one complimentary BB Gun to use as they see fit.

A baseball fight will be renamed from the long standing ‘Donnybrook’, to Johnnybrook. I just need to have something named after me and with this we’re SO close anyway!

Pinch hitters will be allowed to actually pinch anyone at will. This term will now finally make sense!

At all times in the dugout, tea will be served using fine china. It’s called classy people!

The ‘7^th Inning Stretch’ will be renamed ‘Why are we so bored we need to get up and stretch, someone should redo the rules so it’s more exciting and we don’t feel the need to stretch, oh wait, someone JUST did!’.