Half Full

There are three types of people. Glass half full, Glass half empty, and me. I am writing to defend the glass half empty people. And in case you’re wondering, I am an ‘I don’t know how much is in the glass because I cut my lip on the rim and now the glass is half bloody’ person. So I guess I’m just a ‘Glass is half bloody’ person.

As an experiment the other day I went to Target and asked a lady where the glasses were, and she walked me over to them. I asked, “Do you have any that are half full?” And she curtly replied “Well if you want them half full you’ll just have to fill them yourself”. So I said “Oh I have to do it myself, is this a women’s lib thing?” and she said “women’s lib, what are you from the 70’s?” and I said “No, Des Moines”. She walked off in a huff. Actually she walked off in a polo shirt and pants, but her attitude was ‘huff-like’. So I took one of those glasses over to the drinking fountain and put water in it, the drinking fountain had a piece of gum in it of course, standard issue for public drinking fountains. But the flavor was almost gone. Then I found the lady and threw the water all over her. She called security over and said “This imbecile just threw a full glass of water on me!” Security contacted the police and when the police arrived I just started dancing, but I was arrested for the water throwing. When I think back on it, it seems like it makes no sense that I would start dancing when the police arrived, but I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.

Months later the charges were dropped. Security cameras showed that the lady lied when she said I threw a FULL glass of water on her, because the glass was HALF empty! So you see, sometimes the glass being half empty can save you some jail time. Oh and about the dancing, footage also revealed that it was just a bee in my shirt. So of course the moral of the story is: If you want something at Target, ask someone who actually works there, not just some lady you see wearing a red shirt!