Meat Shapes

I’m not a vegetarian, but I’m not all that far away either. I’ll only eat meat that does not resemble any kind of an animal. For example, a pig roast will not wet my palette because it’s clearly a pig that someone has stuck a big pole through. But hamburger doesn’t look like a cow in any way so I’ll gladly eat it all day long. Bacon doesn’t look like a pig so we’re good there. Pepperoni doesn’t look at all like…..like….what the crap does pepperoni come from anyway, spicy badgers? And should we even talk about hot dogs? How would I know if an Oscar Meyer resembles the animal it came from? Frankfurters come from no animal yet every animal. Is there an animal that looks like a giant finger without a nail? The last time I ate a hot dog it tasted too much like the last time I bit my tongue. So no more of those, animal shape or not. On a side note, I do like animal crackers, but I don’t agree with getting kids started on them. It’s kind of like a training program to get them used to eating everything that entertains them at the circus. Now let’s get to the most disgusting animal food of all, turkey! Specifically Thanksgiving turkey. Taking the head and feathers off a giant bird does not make it a non-giant bird! Why do we even take the head off of it? I’ll tell you why, guilt! It looks so much like a bird when we eat it that we remove its head because we’re afraid it will stare at us with a look of terror in its eyes! But we take it one step farther by defiling it before we even cook it. We stuff some concoction of breading and celery up its……whatever that hole is, I wouldn’t know I’ve never been close to it. I was always in the bathroom gagging when my dad did that to it! It didn’t seem to bother mom either….which bothered me all the more. The first Thanksgiving I saw him doing it I said “Dad, Mom’s right in the other room for God sake, can’t you take that out to the car or something?” Even then at 5 years old I knew it was just wrong but I didn’t know why. How did stuffing a turkey even get started anyway, did someone notice all that wasted space inside the poor bird and say “hey we can put stuff’ in here too?” You know there wouldn’t have been all that room in there if you hadn’t pulled everything out of it in the first place! Now I’m really getting gaggy so let’s just recap and get out of this story as fast as we can. Bacon, Hamburger, Slim Jims, yes! Pig roasts, whole turkey, chicken, anything whole, no! And definitely NO to anything with a body part name in it, Pork belly, Liver, Gizzards (not actually sure that’s a body part)….. Gross, I can’t even spell the sound that’s coming out of me right now. I’m just thankful that yummy yummy ham doesn’t come from an animal………um………….right?