Still, With the Air Travel

I hate the part of flying where they talk about the emergency procedures. Do they have to do that? I mean when you go in for a root canal does the dentist say ‘In case I drill too far and hit a nerve, you will propel yourself out of the chair straight up to the ceiling at which point you will extract cat like claws you never knew you had, and clamp onto the tiles where you will hang until the fire department has to coax you down with a bowl of milk’? My dentist doesn’t give me that warning. But these Flight Attendants have to tell you things like if your oxygen mask comes down, to hell with the little kid next to you, put the mask on yourself first, then if you’re not at a really interesting part of your book, put one on the kid. This is because you, as an adult, probably know a good lawyer and the poor little kid won’t be able to file suit. Then finally after they’ve covered everything else that’s obvious they say ‘This is a non-smoking flight’. How obvious and old does something have to be before they stop feeling the need to announce it? Why not also say-

Today’s in flight movie will be a talkie’ (If they bring you working headphones)

You can purchase alcoholic beverages for $5 because prohibition has been lifted, have you heard?’

While in the airport, if you need to make a call, the bank of pay phones is…(oh wait, there still are banks of pay phones, never mind that one)

They also tell you in case of a water landing your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. Water landing? We’re going from Des Moines to Denver! What are we gonna land in, some ones swimming pool in Nebraska? And what are the odds we’ll hit the deep end? And they call it a ‘landing’ as if it were a choice. Pilot: ‘Folks in case we decide to just go ahead and put’er down in the middle of the ocean you can use your seat cushion as a floatation device’ I think by that point I’ll have already used my seat cushion as a diaper. Does it count as a water landing if I just wet my pants?