The True Story of Christmas

I went to Catholic school for many years so while I’m a little sketchy on the religion now, I think I know more than most, so at this time of year I figured it would be nice to tell the story of Christmas for those who celebrate it, as well as for those who don’t.

Like, over 50 years ago the baby Jesus was born unto the Easter Bunny, and he was surrounded by delicious Cadbury Eggs.  As the years went by the people of Godville would try and try to have one of the coveted chocolate eggs bestowed upon them but the delicious eggs remained hidden to their eyes.  Thus began the famed Easter egg hunt.  During the hunt if you came upon a rare Cadbury you were to let out a scream to let the others know that you were also the chosen one.  The elders would say ‘Holler when you find an egg’, later shortened to simply ‘Holler When’.  It became a great tradition. Much later this tradition was lost, until the fossil discovery of the mythical beast called the Dinosaur showed etchings in the rocks near them shouting out the words ‘Holler When’.  Of course the etchings were old and very hard to read so were translated as ‘Halloween’, and the tradition was reborn!  Children would venture from home to home searching for the chocolate delight in hopes to have a Happy Halloween.  They would dress in disguise so that if an egg was bestowed (Did I use that word already? I never look back) upon them, no one would know the true identity of the lucky child.  So now there be-ith (yeah that’s a word) two holidays.  Easter, where the Cadbury Egg’d Baby Jesus was born.  And Halloween, where everyone tried to find said eggs.  But what of Christmas?  Well hold on to your aluminum egg wrappers that are a pain in the butt to get off and you always have a little piece that you don’t get torn off and your teeth let you know about that one I’ll tell you what!

Well, way back when, while the baby Jesus was first learning how to walk, he was left unattended for a while.  At this point they no longer lived in the stable where Jesus was born, because all the donkeys would keep them up at night, what with the constant braying and such. SO, they moved into a nice condo on the upper west side of Bethlehem.  The area was a bit run down but gentrifying rapidly and most of the (please just insert the name of the people in this day and age hurt most by gentrification here- __________ -I’m tired of researching this to make sure I have all my facts straight, examples to follow) had moved on because of rising rents.  What once was only 3 Shekels (ßExample) was now 6 Shekels, Forty!  Forty what?  Who cares, I can’t pay the 6 Shekels in the first place, so um, buyeee!   Anyway, where were we?  Oh yes, the baby Jesus was left unattended because of the scarceness of Donkeys…I’m not saying there were NO donkeys, I’m just saying there were far fewer donkey’s in this particular condo development.  So sweet baby J-Christ accidentally stepped all over many of the Cadbury eggs making a huge mess of the place.  The housekeeper would be furious when she came but she only came on Wednesdays and this was Saturday so I’m just saying they had some time.  Plus she would get mad and yell and she didn’t speak Aramaic ß (Research) of course cause you can’t get good local help!. But when Joseph and Mary came home they screamed- “Look at this mess that Christ made!” and  “We must never forget the day we left him alone because of the WAY fewer donkey’s situation!” and “Why did we adopt!!!”  But of course many years later, I’m thinking now it could’ve been more like 70 years, in cave etchings they found when the remains of the Loch Ness, Bigfoot, and all our dinosaur friends like Barney were discovered, the words of this famous day were etched but not clear, and it was interpreted incorrectly once again as one word- So the day of ‘Christ’s Mess’ became simply: Christmas.

So there you have it.  The story of how the E master Bunny created Halloween and Christmas.  Or something like that.  Now is all of this 100% true? Well here’s your answer.  Yes, it’s all 100% true.  Trust me, I’m a doctor!