Truth in Advertising

I think there should be more stringent laws about what you are allowed to say when you advertise a product. It seems that you can say about anything anymore and get away with it. Below is the true story behind some of the bold claims you see:

ONE SIZE FITS ALL- One Size fits one person who’s that size.
NEW AND IMPROVED- We changed the packaging
NOW WITH MORE RAISINS – Instead of 12 raisins per box what the heck we made it a baker’s
dozen……and why are there raisins in my Cheetos!
LONGER LASTING FLAVOR- Note: Must be chewed more slowly for true results.
MORE COMFORTABLE THAN EVER – You have probably gained weight so your extra padding will make it seem more comfortable.
BETTER TASTING – Than what? That’s where they get you.
FAST ACTING – We put out a commercial with actors who didn’t know until the last second that they were going to be in a commercial, so they had to do some Fast Acting.
EASY OPENING- Comes with scissors.
EASIER OPENING- Comes with a chain saw.
EASIEST OPENING- We’ll come to your house and open it for you
SMOOTHER RIDE- Define ‘Smoother’.
CHILDS OUCHLESS BANDAGE- Soak in warm water 60 minutes. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remove while shriveled child sleeps.
QUIETER RIDE- Based on a study by the hearing impaired.
FULL BODIED FLAVOR- Drink enough of it, you’ll have a fuller body.
FIGHTS BAD BREATH – But fights like a baby and loses every time.
RELEIVES PAIN FAST – Because you pass out from the pain right away then don’t feel a thing
STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN- Men Stink.